*Final Goodbyes*

What if this was the last time? My mother told me of a time she spoke to a cancer specialist who determined that of all the ways to die, he would chose cancer. I was horrified for years after only having shortly lost my grandfather to a prolonged painful battle with pancreatic cancer. It took until I started thinking of the family I began creating to revisit my stance. Shortly thereafter, I flipped. Though his perspective at first sounded so vile, so sacrilegious somehow, in this new role in life, it made much greater sense to me. No, I am not a person who is oblivious to the often horrific pain cancer causes its patients and therefore families. I have known people young and old who have died of it leaving their families. What I will say is that I also know those who have died in a moment. Those fathers who went to sleep, their snores alerting the family to their presence on a mundane day, who an hour later, ceased to be. Which is preferable? What an absurd question. It is one that haunts me though.

When my grandfather finally scummed to his cancer, it was time. We had all prayed that he would finally be able to move on. That he could be released from his broken body. Friends and family were able to spend months asking the questions they deserved answered, saying those whispered goodbyes, creating those final moments. We could sit with him in the bed, read allowed his life's stories, sing to him to bring comfort, quietly serve and honor him. Seeing myself now as a family member over an individual, this is my choice. It gives time for hurt to be mended, resolutions to be made, and plans drawn up. What about our friends and family who disappear from this life? Those who drift away in their sleep? I had always wanted to simply twinkle away. Painless. Instantly. Hmm.

Tonight I awoke disoriented. I was petrified. What if I never saw my husband again, my sibling, my spouse, my parent, my friend? What do I do with my time? What is my legacy for this world? What have I been doing with my life each day to honor those I live for? How have I let them know that I feel only adoration for each of them? How have I demonstrated that each of these people has made my life worth experiencing? Have I taught children around me to love? To laugh? To forgive? Have I demonstrated that true power is found only in the power that we have to serve others?



Yes. . . I am certain that each of you has pondered these things. I am no philosopher, and have no unique perspective to share. I know that none of this is profound, but at times in life, I have felt such intensity of "the moment" that it has choked me. I know that some who read this may consider it trite, but tonight the possibility of losing a loved one awoke me with shuddering sobs, heartache, and terror. I frantically called my husband over and over again until I awoke him on the other side of the country. I had to fill him with everything I wanted him to know should we be separated. So now what? What makes this any different than any other supposed epiphany? Nothing, unless I chose to make it different. So what am I doing? I am reaching out to all of you and letting you know how true the influence of family and friends in my life have been. I have little interest in acquaintances, those superficial passers by who refuse to be known, or allow others in to know them. I thank each of you for choosing to connect with me heart to heart and spirit to spirit. Thank you for forgiving me my folly, the pains that I have caused, the distance that I have shown.

Life is beautiful. People are my life. You are my life.